So much

So much is happening. Mostly work. Working 2 days a week is strange, for some reason. I've never worked part time before- it seems like just another thing on my to-do list. And the list is long. As well as work, I'm trying to get my photography business off the ground. Right now that includes a lot of practicing ie: working for free/next to nothing for family & friends. I like doing it, I'm just wearing out. I haven't had a spare moment in weeks. As you can tell by the lack of posts on this blog.

The kids are great. Willow loves being at Stacey's while I work. So much that she bursts into tears and dramatically throws herself on the floor when I walk in the door. "Pleeeeaaasse let me stay 2 more minutes" she says. Toby is much happier to see me, starts crying and runs over to me. Grabs my hair and sucks his thumb. He likes it there too but likes to come home more. He has changed so much in the last few weeks, he walks, he runs, he talks a bit. Much more communication in the form of whines and grunts.

I've barely taken any photos of my own kids lately, this is probably the best one. I've been trying to take some Christmas shots but it just isn't working out. In a studio setting kids just don't listen to their own parents well. I've got a couple more chances to get a better one in the next day or so. If not, this is what's going out in our Christmas cards!

Reminiscing (Happy Birthday Toby)

Naturally, I’ve been spending a lot of time the last couple of days recollecting Toby’s birth day, and the days that led up to and proceeded it. I can’t believe it’s been a year! I keep thinking, “one year ago at this time I was......”. It was such a happy time, and a such a great birth that I keep going over and over the details I don’t want to forget. Many I’ve already forgotten, in one short year. I never get tired thinking about or talking about the birth of my babies, so I’m going to take this opportunity, Toby’s first birthday, to write my birth story as I remember it- one year later.

Early labour contractions began in the early morning of November 13th. I remember waking, around 3am with butterflies, and the thought “Am I really going to have my baby on the 13th? My bestest friends brother’s birthday?” It was a bit of a joke we had because Willow was born on this friends other brother’s birthday. I didn’t really think it would happen because I was still 5 days away from the due date.

I don’t remember anything else about the rest of that night. Mid-morning James, Willow and I went outside to clean up the leaves. It was a nice day, crisp and cool but the sun was warm. I was not comfortable enough to help with the leaves, and I couldn’t play with Willow because it caused too much pain, so I headed inside and made a huge pot of minestrone soup. I vividly remember making this soup, it was the ultimate nesting; I was preparing food that would sustain me in the coming days. The rest of the day was a blur, I’m sure I tried to get some sleep, to ‘rest’ like they tell you too. I called my doula at some point to let her know something was happening. Though, I still didn’t want to believe it. I was prepared for another overdue baby so I couldn’t believe it was happening early. For that reason I didn’t call any family or friends, I didn’t really want to get excited and think it was real.

After the house had settled down I called my midwife, around 8pm. I told her I thought it would be tonight. She gave me instructions, one being to get to bed! So I did, but had a hard time falling asleep because of the regular contractions. I finally fell into a light sleep around 10pm, and felt my waters break. I jumped into action, finished packing my hospital bag before calling my midwife, my mom, and my doula, in that order. My midwife told me to get to the hospital right away because I needed antibiotics to treat GBS. We waited for what felt like an hour for my mom to arrive to stay with Willow. We headed to the hospital, only stopping once to pee on the side of the road (thank goodness it was dark!).




We stayed in the hospital for just a couple of hours to get showered, centered. Carolyn wheeled me down to the front of the hospital where James was waiting in the car. We couldn’t wait to get home to introduce Willow to her baby brother. We officially decided on his name on the drive home. Toby. My mom and Willow met us at the front door, and I cried as Willow kept saying “ooooh baby. Ooooooohhhh baby”. She was so sweet and so tender with him right away. I curled up in my bed and tried to get some sleep after a long night. I was high on love and couldn’t sleep, but the rest was nice.


I had been pretty upset that I couldn’t have a homebirth because of a heart condition that I developed late in pregnancy - inappropriate tachycardia – a condition that I was advised would make it impossible for me to have a natural birth. I am so glad that the opposite happened, my heart behaved completely normally during the labour and delivery, and I was able to give birth without drugs and intervention.


Dear Toby,

That’s the story of the day you came into this world. You are the sweetest little dude with the greatest personality, sense of humour and way of being. You’re a mama’s boy but like to play on your own and be curious too. You’re a boy for sure, loving cars, remote controls, electronics. I wish you’d sleep a bit better- that’s my only complaint. We’re all so glad you’re here. Happy 1st birthday Toby.

Lotsa love,
Mama

The Sacred Balance

By David Suzuki. A really heavy read for me, bringing me into the "whoa" zone nightly. I love to read, but don't often get much time (thanks kids!). About 15 minutes before bed is all. So, this book has been with me for what seems like months.

There are 5 parts (OK, maybe more, but I would categorize it as 5). Air, Water, Earth and Fire are the first 4. He talks about the history of the planet, how things came to be, how incredibly long it took for things to be, and how short a time us humans have been on this planet (and what we're doing to it). All of these things take me to the zone. I have an 'out of body feeling' when I think about the universe, our galaxy, the sun, our amazing planet and the life that exists here.

I used to spend a lot of time reading this kind of non-fiction & thinking about environmental issues, my health. Since I've had kids I have a much harder time with it. The "Why are we here?" question has changed for me. It used to just boggle my mind, "why are we here? how did this happen? what are the chances?". I've just accepted these questions that have no answers. I know it's a miracle that life on this planet exists. Life is so good, so miraculous, so fleeting, that I need to enjoy every single minute. There is no room in my life for anger, being annoyed or frustrated, bored or sad. This is impossible of course because day to day life gets in the way of the big picture. But, I'm working on it. I'm happier. I care less about the small stuff. I am in the here and now, living life and loving my kids.

I am so happy that The Sacred Balance touched on LOVE. The last part relates our worldly experience of love and spirituality. How it is essential for our survival- it's not only cultural but biological too. Because of where I am in my life I could completely relate to the mother child love/bond. It helps the rest make sense. Becoming a mother has made my life make sense. And this book helped me to relate this life to the big picture. Whoa.

Love.

Working

Yesterday was my first day back at work. It was bittersweet - I got teary dropping the kids off in the morning (even though they are with my sister who has been watching them for weeks) but at the same time it was great to spend some time alone. I have an hour long commute that I used to hate- but now it's time for me to have my thoughts to myself, to listen to loud music, to get caught up with what's going on in the world. Once I get to work I can eat, sit, drink tea and pee at my leisure; it's almost luxurious. Sharing lunch and conversation with adults is pretty rad too.

I'll be working 2 days a week and I think it will be a good balance. Enough time at home to prepare home cooked meals, play with my kids, take them to events, keep a garden, and spend time outside. I'll also work on my photography business and try to keep the house clean. There are so many things I want to do that are important to me and I can't see myself being happy working 5 days a week and playing catch-up all weekend. I don't imagine my kids would like that arrangement very much either. A lot of people make it work, like it even- but it's just not for me. I've got too much to do!

Lets just hope the financials work out. We'll tighten our belts a bit more (is that even possible?). We're already very frugal so I'm going to have to get pretty creative I think! I'm open to money saving ideas if anyone has any!

One thing I'm thankful for is that I won't miss Toby's first steps, like I did Willow's. He was taking 8-10 steps at a time for almost a month and as of Saturday is finally walking around. Still a bit wobbly, but he's doing really well. I have yet to capture it on video, but here is an attempt. He obviously wasn't in the mood to show off.

- OK, no video. I've been trying to upload it for a couple of days but I keep getting an error. I'll work on the walking video and post it soon. -

Wordless Wednesday (Fall Farm Fun Edition)

What a difference a Year makes.

October 2010

October 2011

October 2010

October 2011

October 2010

October 2011

More Corn Maze/Farm photos to come this week!

What they're saying, October 2011

Toby is much more verbal now. He has a few words, and uses a lot of pointing and grunting. His favorite is "Uh-Oh" and loves throwing things on the floor just so he can say it. He also says it when he finds something on the floor- so cute that he knows it doesn't belong there and imagines it must have been dropped. He says "Dada", using it for me too. I point to myself and say "mama" but he then takes my hand and point it to my chest and says "Dada" with the biggest smile on his face. He's said something that sounds much like Willow (Waawaa) and I'm not surprised; it's probably the most commonly used word in this house. He also says "Dat" for That or What's that, and "fish".

He likes to talk on the phone- the phone can be his hand, his shoe, his musical seahorse or the actual cordless. He makes "Oooh? Ooooooohhhhh" noises when he talks on the phone. The sign language has disappeared. Mom got lazy. He's lost the signs he had even, I just stopped doing it.

Willow is expressing her imaginative self even more now, telling stories, pretending to be someone/something different, telling me about her dreams (many of which are a bit disturbing).

She has learned some new words too- stupid & hate to name a couple. She's having a tough time with something lately, teeth maybe or some emotional development. Some days everything is "I hate this", "I don't like that". It's hard not to laugh sometimes when "I hate eating" comes out of her mouth when I call her for breakfast.

Sick kids, cuddling. So sweet!

I've been absent for a couple of weeks. Very busy time as well as a nasty cold passing through our house. Everyone is on the mend but things aren't slowing down. Attempting to get this photography business going, getting ready to go back to work, taking care of numerous things that should get done before I go back to work. I'm going to try a bit harder to get a least one post in a week. Hopefully two. :)

Dear Willow (The 2 1/2 year old!)

Dear Willow,

You are 30 months old now! You are 35.5" tall, and weigh about 29 lbs. You eat pretty well, healthy stuff like the rest of us, you wake up a couple of times a night still, and keep us on our toes at bedtime. You like to get out of bed repeatedly for an hour or so- this is new. You wear diapers at bedtime only, and wake up dry often. Night time potty training isn't far away. You use a pacifier, "mo-mo" at bedtime too. You're showing signs that you're not so dependent on it now, so I hope you wean yourself from it.

You are a sweet, sweet girl, with typical 'terrible two's', and some jealously towards your brother. Now that he is walking and getting into your things, you get angry with him, push him down, scratch his face. It's very sad for me and I'm working on helping you with it. We'll find a solution soon I hope. Your tantrums have returned- you need things done in a particular way, at a particular time. Asserting your independence- normal two year old stuff.

You are sensitive, emotional, happy. You're in the best mood in the mornings normally, and after you have a bath or shower. You squeal and giggle and make everyone smile. Toby laughs hysterically when you are like this, he likes it a lot. When we are out, or with unfamiliar people you are very shy. It's getting a bit easier for you- as we go regularly to library programs/playgroups you get used to it, and begin participating. You are really pretty. People stop me and tell me that you look like Shiloh Jolie Pitt all the time. Or they tell me " Oh, you're in trouble, with those big pouty lips". I think you look much like Daddy when he was your age. Something reminds me of a younger me too- your hair and forehead I think. Family think you look just like your cousin Haylee. I think you look just like you! You're amazing, and I love you "A Big One" (as you say).

I love you (A Big One),
Mummy

Wordless Wednesday (watching The Wiggles edition)

Dear Willow (The meanie)

Dear Willow,

Please please please!!! stop pushing/hitting/scratching your brother. I am at a loss for what to do to help you overcome this. It breaks my heart when you say, "I don't like Toby anymore", or "I hate him". I know I haven't been able to spend enough time with you lately, but I'm doing my best.

Love Mommy