Reminiscing (Happy Birthday Toby)

Naturally, I’ve been spending a lot of time the last couple of days recollecting Toby’s birth day, and the days that led up to and proceeded it. I can’t believe it’s been a year! I keep thinking, “one year ago at this time I was......”. It was such a happy time, and a such a great birth that I keep going over and over the details I don’t want to forget. Many I’ve already forgotten, in one short year. I never get tired thinking about or talking about the birth of my babies, so I’m going to take this opportunity, Toby’s first birthday, to write my birth story as I remember it- one year later.

Early labour contractions began in the early morning of November 13th. I remember waking, around 3am with butterflies, and the thought “Am I really going to have my baby on the 13th? My bestest friends brother’s birthday?” It was a bit of a joke we had because Willow was born on this friends other brother’s birthday. I didn’t really think it would happen because I was still 5 days away from the due date.

I don’t remember anything else about the rest of that night. Mid-morning James, Willow and I went outside to clean up the leaves. It was a nice day, crisp and cool but the sun was warm. I was not comfortable enough to help with the leaves, and I couldn’t play with Willow because it caused too much pain, so I headed inside and made a huge pot of minestrone soup. I vividly remember making this soup, it was the ultimate nesting; I was preparing food that would sustain me in the coming days. The rest of the day was a blur, I’m sure I tried to get some sleep, to ‘rest’ like they tell you too. I called my doula at some point to let her know something was happening. Though, I still didn’t want to believe it. I was prepared for another overdue baby so I couldn’t believe it was happening early. For that reason I didn’t call any family or friends, I didn’t really want to get excited and think it was real.

After the house had settled down I called my midwife, around 8pm. I told her I thought it would be tonight. She gave me instructions, one being to get to bed! So I did, but had a hard time falling asleep because of the regular contractions. I finally fell into a light sleep around 10pm, and felt my waters break. I jumped into action, finished packing my hospital bag before calling my midwife, my mom, and my doula, in that order. My midwife told me to get to the hospital right away because I needed antibiotics to treat GBS. We waited for what felt like an hour for my mom to arrive to stay with Willow. We headed to the hospital, only stopping once to pee on the side of the road (thank goodness it was dark!).




We stayed in the hospital for just a couple of hours to get showered, centered. Carolyn wheeled me down to the front of the hospital where James was waiting in the car. We couldn’t wait to get home to introduce Willow to her baby brother. We officially decided on his name on the drive home. Toby. My mom and Willow met us at the front door, and I cried as Willow kept saying “ooooh baby. Ooooooohhhh baby”. She was so sweet and so tender with him right away. I curled up in my bed and tried to get some sleep after a long night. I was high on love and couldn’t sleep, but the rest was nice.


I had been pretty upset that I couldn’t have a homebirth because of a heart condition that I developed late in pregnancy - inappropriate tachycardia – a condition that I was advised would make it impossible for me to have a natural birth. I am so glad that the opposite happened, my heart behaved completely normally during the labour and delivery, and I was able to give birth without drugs and intervention.


Dear Toby,

That’s the story of the day you came into this world. You are the sweetest little dude with the greatest personality, sense of humour and way of being. You’re a mama’s boy but like to play on your own and be curious too. You’re a boy for sure, loving cars, remote controls, electronics. I wish you’d sleep a bit better- that’s my only complaint. We’re all so glad you’re here. Happy 1st birthday Toby.

Lotsa love,
Mama

The Sacred Balance

By David Suzuki. A really heavy read for me, bringing me into the "whoa" zone nightly. I love to read, but don't often get much time (thanks kids!). About 15 minutes before bed is all. So, this book has been with me for what seems like months.

There are 5 parts (OK, maybe more, but I would categorize it as 5). Air, Water, Earth and Fire are the first 4. He talks about the history of the planet, how things came to be, how incredibly long it took for things to be, and how short a time us humans have been on this planet (and what we're doing to it). All of these things take me to the zone. I have an 'out of body feeling' when I think about the universe, our galaxy, the sun, our amazing planet and the life that exists here.

I used to spend a lot of time reading this kind of non-fiction & thinking about environmental issues, my health. Since I've had kids I have a much harder time with it. The "Why are we here?" question has changed for me. It used to just boggle my mind, "why are we here? how did this happen? what are the chances?". I've just accepted these questions that have no answers. I know it's a miracle that life on this planet exists. Life is so good, so miraculous, so fleeting, that I need to enjoy every single minute. There is no room in my life for anger, being annoyed or frustrated, bored or sad. This is impossible of course because day to day life gets in the way of the big picture. But, I'm working on it. I'm happier. I care less about the small stuff. I am in the here and now, living life and loving my kids.

I am so happy that The Sacred Balance touched on LOVE. The last part relates our worldly experience of love and spirituality. How it is essential for our survival- it's not only cultural but biological too. Because of where I am in my life I could completely relate to the mother child love/bond. It helps the rest make sense. Becoming a mother has made my life make sense. And this book helped me to relate this life to the big picture. Whoa.

Love.

Working

Yesterday was my first day back at work. It was bittersweet - I got teary dropping the kids off in the morning (even though they are with my sister who has been watching them for weeks) but at the same time it was great to spend some time alone. I have an hour long commute that I used to hate- but now it's time for me to have my thoughts to myself, to listen to loud music, to get caught up with what's going on in the world. Once I get to work I can eat, sit, drink tea and pee at my leisure; it's almost luxurious. Sharing lunch and conversation with adults is pretty rad too.

I'll be working 2 days a week and I think it will be a good balance. Enough time at home to prepare home cooked meals, play with my kids, take them to events, keep a garden, and spend time outside. I'll also work on my photography business and try to keep the house clean. There are so many things I want to do that are important to me and I can't see myself being happy working 5 days a week and playing catch-up all weekend. I don't imagine my kids would like that arrangement very much either. A lot of people make it work, like it even- but it's just not for me. I've got too much to do!

Lets just hope the financials work out. We'll tighten our belts a bit more (is that even possible?). We're already very frugal so I'm going to have to get pretty creative I think! I'm open to money saving ideas if anyone has any!

One thing I'm thankful for is that I won't miss Toby's first steps, like I did Willow's. He was taking 8-10 steps at a time for almost a month and as of Saturday is finally walking around. Still a bit wobbly, but he's doing really well. I have yet to capture it on video, but here is an attempt. He obviously wasn't in the mood to show off.

- OK, no video. I've been trying to upload it for a couple of days but I keep getting an error. I'll work on the walking video and post it soon. -